Bullying

Bullying is a significant issue in United States schools. In fact, according to a recent report by the National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center, nearly 6 million American children are involved in some way with bullying—whether as the bully or the victim.

What is bullying?
The act of bullying occurs when one child manipulates another child through threats, violence or verbal abuse, or uses other intimidation tactics to force the child to do something or exclude the child from a group. Also, bullies most always have low self-esteem.   This can create the ‘Bully Cycle.’

There are different types of Bullying- Physical bullying, verbal bullying, cyber bullying and more.  Bullying can happen at school, home or in the neighborhood.  Bullying can leave victims feeling powerless, anxious, angry and depressed.

Bullying is often dismissed as part of growing up. But it's actually an early form of aggressive, violent behavior. Statistics show that one in four children who bully will have a criminal record before the age of 30.

Recently while speaking to a youth group we played an anti-bullying game based on Simon Says.  I shared the game hoping to teach the youth that they have shared qualities and differences, likes and dislikes. I had each of them write down one thing they like or is unique about them on a small piece of paper.  Then I drew each paper & game them different instructions.  i.e. the paper said "I Like Music".  I said- "Simon Says- Touch your ear if you like music".  Every person put their finger to their ear.  One paper said "lick my elbow"- So I said- "Simon Says Lick your elbow, if you know how to lick your elbow."  Almost everyone in the room tried!  Even though only girl could actually do it.  It was fun to see how much they had in common, how unique people are, and to embrace those differences.  It may help to ask the youth to identify one new thing they learned about another person that wasn't already known. The game demonstrates diversity and similarity shared by all participants, and helps kids learn to be tolerant of others.

Bullying can affect everyone—those who are bullied, those who bully, and those who witness bullying. Bullying is linked to many negative outcomes including impacts on mental health, substance use, and suicide.

 The Bully:

I didn't have time to do this activity.  But I think it is a good message, especially for younger kids.  Activity – The toothpaste activity – Ask for a volunteer to come to the front of the room. Place a strip of masking tape on the length of the table. With a tube of toothpaste, have the volunteer run a bead of toothpaste on the length of the masking tape.  Now ask the participant to put the toothpaste back in the tube.  Obviously, it can’t be done.  This is an example of how hurtful words once spoken cannot be taken back.  Bullies say hurtful words frequently and need to know the impact that their words have on their victims.

If someone thinks they have a bullying problem, here is a list of things to think about or try.

Treat Everyone with Respect 
Nobody should be mean to others.
Keep in mind that everyone is different. Not better or worse. Just different.  
If you think you have bullied someone in the past, apologize. Everyone feels better.

 

The Victim:

What to Do If You’re Bullied.  Here are a few tips: 

Look at the kid bullying you and tell him or her to stop in a calm, clear voice. You can also try to laugh it off. This works best if joking is easy for you. It could catch the kid bullying you off guard.

If speaking up seems too hard or not safe, walk away and stay away. Don’t fight back. Find an adult to stop the bullying on the spot.

Stay near adults and other kids. Most bullying happens when adults aren’t around.

Victims of Bullying need to remember who they are & they are of value.  Don't let the bully get to you & let you start doubting yourself.  Here are some thoughts about Self Esteem and Self Acceptance.

What is self-acceptance? Self-acceptance is being able to recognize your value as a person.  It is essentially your level of self-worth and feeling of comfort in your own skin regardless of your faults and weaknesses.  Without self-acceptance, one would not be capable of reaching their full potential in life.

What is the difference between self-acceptance and self-esteem?

Self-esteem is a belief or feeling about yourself.  It is what you believe or feel you are capable of doing.  Having high self-esteem can help build self-acceptance.

High Self-Esteem = Feeling good about yourself

Low Self-Esteem = Feeling badly about yourself

 Self-acceptance is more of an action rather than an abstract sense of self.  It is something you do – you stick up for yourself, you utilize your strengths and take responsibly for your faults, and you practice loving yourself every day.

How can I build my self-acceptance?

It usually comes from messages you get about yourself.  These messages can come from other people (like parents, teachers, or friends) or from yourself.  The messages you send yourself is called “Self-Talk.” 

Positive self-talk is when you focus on your strengths and positive qualities, reminding yourself that you are a good and valuable person.

Dealing with bullies must be done in a positive manner. Bullies look for easy targets, so if you respond to initial threats in a confident, self-assured way, it could head off subsequent incidents. Remember: Act confident. Do not show fear or signs that you are intimidated. Most importantly, make and keep some good friends.

The Bystander

A child who is a bystander to bullying may use the following excuses for not intervening or reporting the behavior they witness:

Saying the bully 'is my friend'Saying 'it’s not my problem'Saying that the victim is not their friend Saying that the victim is a 'loser' (this is bullying too!) Saying that the victim 'deserved' to be bullied (NO ONE EVER DESERVES IT!) Saying that the bullying will 'toughen up' the victim. Saying that they would rather be part of the 'in group' than defend the victim Saying that there is nothing they can do about it. Saying that they don't want to be a 'tattle tale'. Saying that they are afraid that they will 'be next' if they do anything.

While speaking with the youth and asking questions about this- they agreed with most of these Bystander thoughts.  I urged them to help kids who are bullied by showing kindness or getting help.

Here are some of the thoughts I shared with this youth group:

What You Can Do

There are things you can do to keep yourself and the kids you know safe from bullying.
Treat Everyone with Respect
Stand Up for Others
Get Involved
Be a Friend
Tell and adult
Help them get away
Set a good example
Don’t give bullying an audience

In Conclusion I suggested to these youth to find someone to talk to about bullying.  I offered the suggestions of:

Parents
Teachers
Youth Leaders
Church Leaders
Friends
Grandparents or other extended family members (Uncles, Aunts, etc.)

I think it is important for our youth to find things they enjoy doing and are good at. Special activities, interests, and hobbies can boost confidence, help kids make friends, and protect them from bullying behavior.

I know the nation's schools are trying so hard to prevent bullying.  I see anti-bullying messages at my son's middle school in every classroom.  I see them on the television.  I hear them from my own children.  I hope that our children will listen, be confident, and be kind.  We need to help them too!

A couple sources that I researched from and found very helpful were:

www.stopbullying.gov and Secret Thinks Mean Stinks

Positive ~ Confident ~ Children

It’s the first day of School and my children are headed off to the halls of 7^th, 5^th, & 1^st grades.  They are excited to meet new teachers, learn new things, and spend time with their classmates & friends.  A couple questions have come to my mind as we prepared for the school year.  What can I do to ensure my children are confident?  What can I do to make sure I send them from a happy home?

I want my children to know I love them.  I want them to step out the front door every morning with a smile on their face & the attitude that “today is going to be a good day”.  They should walk the halls of their school with heads held high; knowing who they are and be a good, kind, positive person.  I want them to walk into their classes and say “I can do this”.   I desire for them to want to come home at the end of each day.

I feel like my kids are pretty confident and independent.  They know they are loved and cared for.  They enjoy sharing stories and time with family.  I tell them "I Love You".  I taxi them around and make them meals.  I give them chores to teach them responsibility.  We hug.  We encourage and congratulate.  Am I doing it right?  Is it enough?

Sometimes, it is hard to be positive at home, because it is our safe place.  Home is where we can let go of our inhibitions and worries and walls.  Home can be such a loving comfort.  So much comfort that we forget our positive attitude and manners with those we love most.  And because we are family, we will continue to love and forgive.  But as parents, are we sending a hidden message when we let these negative words and attitudes take over?  What are our Children taking away?  Are we taking away from their confidence?  What happens to our Children’s positive attitude?  How are they going to perceive the world?

Our children need to feel comfort at home, it needs to be a place they find safety.  Children can look to parents for approval, love, encouragement, and teaching.  I want my kids to come home to be rebuilt, not torn down.  While searching the web for ideas about this post, I found some great quotes.

I LOVE this quote-

 

It is true for more than just kids.  Every one's memories are related to how they felt at the time.  If we can recognize this as the parent, it will help us apply it when spending time with our families.  Our children will desire to return home each day, if they feel loved and safe.  Our children will leave the home ready to take on the challenges of the day, if they can take those feelings of love and safety with them.

 

I found this list of things parents can do to teach confidence in their children:  I have analyzed how I can apply this in my life & home.

1- Such a good way to discover that they can do things for themselves.

2- This is a hard balance sometimes.  It can be a fine line when we see their potential.

3- Sometimes when I check on my kids jobs, I only point out what they didn't do.  I need to remember to offer praise.

4- If we don't believe in ourselves how can they?

5- Set aside the time & DO IT!!!

6- I choose to show them this by example.  I LOVE making goals.

7- I need to be better at teaching my kids they can do hard things.  I get frustrated & do it for them.

8- Boy, oh, boy (and one more boy), do I know this.  3 different boys (+ a girl) in our house.

9- Say "I Love You" as often as you can.  I love my little 3 year old.  She tells me "Momma, I Love You" all day long.  I enjoy saying "I Love You" back!!

 

10- We are a Christian home.  It is VERY important our children know there is always a Father in Heaven who loves them.  I hope that your home has a spiritual relief, where children can release negative thoughts & turn for peace. 

 

I want my kids to leave home knowing (not just believing) the things on the following poster: 

 

 

If my children know this, if they know they are loved, if they know that as parents we believe in them- there is nothing that will break them down.  And because I am not a perfect parent, and my children are not perfect, there will be flaws.  There will be mistakes.  There will be a little yelling now & then.  And sometimes maybe tears.  But despite the mistakes and tears, my kids will know I love them.  They will be able to go out in the world and be themselves.  And...

I know there will be laughing!!

 

My Positive Influence

When baby #4 was born, I had my girl (after 3 boys). I know I need to be a good example to her. I want to show her the joy of being a woman and the pleasures of motherhood. I want to her to see a woman that is continually progressing and learning new things. My stay-at-home mom never settled for the bon-bon and daytime television stereotype. My Mother was always doing things to progress, to take care of our family and home, and participating in all our activities. I remember her Jane Fonda work outs, holiday crafts for decorating our home, helping other mom’s by babysitting and delivering dinners and goodies, substitute teaching at our school, coming to my piano and dance recitals, attending my brother’s sporting events, and planning weddings,traveling with the love of her life (my dad!)all over the country and world. She was always supportive of my dad’s military career and school administration career, when we were all in school she accepted a full-time teaching position, and while working she went back to school for her Master’s Degree in School Administration, and became a school principal, with all that she still travels to visit and participate in her grandkids lives. And she continues to progress even when retiring. My parents will soon be serving a full-time mission for our church in Tonga. My mom never called it quits, and we gave her plenty of excuses to! She was always progressing in knowledge, adventures, and love. That is the mom I want to be; the mom that teaches her children to keep learning and progressing, while enjoying her family and home. Thanks Mom for being a positive in my life!! My mom holding my daughter and helping with my boys. She is The Best Mom & Grandma!! My daughter, Me, My Mom, and Her Mom. How awesome to have amazing generations together!